I sit and stare at the blank page in front of me. I could fill this page with words, ideas, emotions. I begin to type.
Hit the backspace button.
Begin to type again.
Hit the backspace once more.
It is an endless cycle. Words escape me in the face of what I am about to write.
A few weeks ago I began a course on English from my correspondence college. As a final project, they assigned us to write an essay on something that has greatly influenced our lives. When I first skimmed through this course, several months ago, I thought it a slightly cheesy assignment. I don't like writing about the deep things revolving around myself. No, I want to write about the deep things revolving around the universe, around the Bible, around God and His Word. I guess I've always thought myself too small in the face of all the beautiful, wonderful things around me, and the wonder of the Creator who made them.
I came crawling back to this English course a month after Ben died. Determined to establish some sort of routine after my life fell to pieces, I began the work with a zeal. And I came back to the final assignment.
Something that greatly influenced my life.
Death influences our lives. It pulls pieces out of our lives - big, colorful, wonderful pieces. We stumble around, trying to fill up the holes left. Somehow, we never quite succeed in filling them in. We continue to live with these gaping wounds in our lives. Eventually the ragged edges aren't quite so tender, the holes not quite so obvious.
Yes, death is so very influential.
But, though it seems the obvious choice, I am not going to write about Ben's death. Not because I am unable to, but because I have found something far, far more influential, something that has completely changed my life.
And it isn't Ben's death.
It is his life.
Ben's death ripped a hole in the fabric of my heart, but that is because his life was woven into that fabric. His death shattered my world, but that was because his life was an integral part of that world. His death dealt a blow to my faith, but that is because his life affirmed my faith in so many ways.
No, Ben's life was far more influential than his death.
Ben's life didn't end when the gun fired two months ago. His life continues, not merely through memories or through his family, but through the solid hope and faith that he had in Jesus Christ. Because of his faith in Christ, Ben lives on in glory. Our lives are changed as we face our loss. His life is changed as he stands before his Savior, perfected in glory.
And in this his life is by far more influential than his death.
Hit the backspace button.
Begin to type again.
Hit the backspace once more.
It is an endless cycle. Words escape me in the face of what I am about to write.
A few weeks ago I began a course on English from my correspondence college. As a final project, they assigned us to write an essay on something that has greatly influenced our lives. When I first skimmed through this course, several months ago, I thought it a slightly cheesy assignment. I don't like writing about the deep things revolving around myself. No, I want to write about the deep things revolving around the universe, around the Bible, around God and His Word. I guess I've always thought myself too small in the face of all the beautiful, wonderful things around me, and the wonder of the Creator who made them.
I came crawling back to this English course a month after Ben died. Determined to establish some sort of routine after my life fell to pieces, I began the work with a zeal. And I came back to the final assignment.
Something that greatly influenced my life.
Death influences our lives. It pulls pieces out of our lives - big, colorful, wonderful pieces. We stumble around, trying to fill up the holes left. Somehow, we never quite succeed in filling them in. We continue to live with these gaping wounds in our lives. Eventually the ragged edges aren't quite so tender, the holes not quite so obvious.
Yes, death is so very influential.
But, though it seems the obvious choice, I am not going to write about Ben's death. Not because I am unable to, but because I have found something far, far more influential, something that has completely changed my life.
And it isn't Ben's death.
It is his life.
Ben's death ripped a hole in the fabric of my heart, but that is because his life was woven into that fabric. His death shattered my world, but that was because his life was an integral part of that world. His death dealt a blow to my faith, but that is because his life affirmed my faith in so many ways.
No, Ben's life was far more influential than his death.
Ben's life didn't end when the gun fired two months ago. His life continues, not merely through memories or through his family, but through the solid hope and faith that he had in Jesus Christ. Because of his faith in Christ, Ben lives on in glory. Our lives are changed as we face our loss. His life is changed as he stands before his Savior, perfected in glory.
And in this his life is by far more influential than his death.
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